Grief is a stress test
While not necessary, this post may make more sense if you first read my Grief is bringing home an empty cat carrier.
I will admit, one of the things I worried about when I thought of the eminent loss of our cat of 11 years was the aftermath. Or more specifically, how my marriage would fare such a loss. You must understand, my husband loves our cats with such ferocity it makes me a little jealous at times. There are very few things he likes and even fewer he loves. The top two on his list are me and our cats, not necessarily in that order. He has such a big, squishy heart - but only for me and our cats.
As you can imagine, the loss of our sweet boy hit him hard. I knew it would. But I feared my husband’s reaction when losing our cat didn’t hit me as hard as it did my husband. I feared there would be resentment, or that he would feel I loved our cat less than he did if I didn’t cry as much as he did.
While we were in the throes of dealing with syringe feeding him and managing his health, my husband and I spoke about the potential our boy wouldn’t last much longer. My husband broke down, already feeling his grief. When he looked up at me, tears streaming down his face, he asked me “are you okay? what are you thinking?”. I didn’t know what to say. At that point I was just thinking logistics - does our vet to do end of life care? Do we want his ashes? Will the vet give us a third round of antibiotics? I wished I could cry with him and just be in the grief with him, show him I was feeling what he was feeling. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t there yet, and I worried I would never be there.
I think, looking back at those months, I was just trying to get through the day. I am not one to feel my feelings in the moment. I will usually busy myself with action and wait until after the dust has settled to feel my feelings privately. My husband feels them as they come - they burn hot and fast in the moment. I think there are pros and cons to the different ways we handle stress.
What I feared would cause a rift in our relationship ended up bringing us closer together. Our different processing methods allowed me to take the lead during the crisis while my brain was in “fix it” mode. I was able to support my husband when the grief overtook him. Then, the night we brought home the empty carrier and the following weeks, he took the lead supporting me while my grief overwhelmed me.
We leaned on each other a lot as our little family dealt with its first loss. We talked through it extensively. Aired out our regrets and sorrows. Comforted each other, reached for one another. Six months later, I look back and am really proud of us. It was an incredible rough year, but our foundation has grown stronger as a result.
xoxo, Ducky